sorry

It's been way to log.

So we moved and i got a job.
So i wake up at 7am and go to school until 2:30 then i go to work right after until 5:30. I get home about 6.

I have all this time to not eat food. and could get away with it. hmmmmmm Idea ^_^

I'm fasting. So easy. as soon as i get home i grab a drink and take a bath get dressed pick up my room get ready for school go to bed. ITS PERFECT!

I don't know how much i weight right now ill check tomorrow though. And when we get the home gym set up ill start running on the weekends. Id run during the week but i don't have much time and stuff. I do have PE this term so that's a pulse. and my job is me walking around for three hours emptying trash cans. Some times their heavy so i get my arms worked alittle too.

I get a new bed tomorrow. Cant wait! its a queen and i have always had a twin so its going to be epic.

New blog

http://everdaythoughtsandpains.blogspot.com

Is my new blog.

Just to let you know ^_^

Long time!

I dont even know what to say.

I was doing well for a little then i failed and just stopped trying. This must be fixed!

We are moving again. Maybe really soon if we get the house we just put an offer on. Maybe in six months if we dont. In the end i will not enter a new house and life fat. Goal to lose 30 pounds before Aug 23. Better get started.

I started a new blog....if i decide to switch ill give you all the link if i dont then whatever.

Thinking of taking up painting.

Ill update you more often im sorry :P

<3 Alice

Today is a new chance to change

From today on i will no longer slack off. Sorry my post arnt really about anything...ill be fixing that


Tomorrow ,well today really, ill be starting my fast. My mother got her job so it should be a lot easier. Ill let you know how it goes later.


<3 alice

Hello

Im about 175. not a huge change but. whatever. I should have done better.Im going to start getting up around 10:30 to run and do chores. Iv always been a night time person so thats 5:00am my time. im going start writing down everything i eat. Cause i really find the boring and something i dont want to do i hope it will help me eat less.

Think i might just let my hair grow out.....really long. But it dose need a trim so i will being doing that saturday. I have really long soft shinny thick hair. Everyone loves it. I on the other hand hate having to wake up every morning and brushing out the rats nest that forms when i roll around. though its nice when i finish my head hurts like hell for a few hours. It grows fast too so thats nice.

I hate looking in the mirror. All i see is fat. HUGE legs. Cement bag of a stomach. Logs for arms. Wide face. fat fingers and toes. Just everything. I feel ugly being fat.





<3 ALice

Tired

Yesterdays intake=nothing

today=two Cheetos.

Thats what 10 cals in the past few days. My will power is strong right now

Joyful!


<3 Alice

Grumble gumble

slightly upset. Mainly just cause all i could do it think about my strech marks. Mainly just from growing(from pubirty maybe from being fat to) i have spent a few hours looking up on linehow to get rid of them. The one that was said to work the best was like $300 for a month. So i looked up some cheep $6 one that im going to try. If any of them work ill let you know.

Thats about it.


<3 alice

drivers ed -.-

I haven't been able to sleep in alllllll summer and I'm a night time person so it sucks. thinking i might just half to go come home sleep and then get up and do what i had planned. Everything was perfect everyday i had something to do so i wouldnt binge. Now i have to plan around it. Grrrr. So tonight ima be doing that.

By the way BOA- eat you up is and amazing song and if you watcher the video she can dance its so cool.


ya and all my parents are doing is buying junk food. we have ZERO healthy food in the house right now. BUT on the pulse side my mom got her job so i dont have to worry about eating around her and she will be to tired to make dinner.

haven't weighted in in a long time and im scared to. so Going to wait till next Thursday to do that. and ill update you then.

going to get my ears priced. might even do some myself. I love body art.ways going tog new


<3 Alice

last day

School ends tomorrow. GOOD! no more jerks....and i can fast without a worry cause my mom is 95% sure getting a job. Pray that she dose. Cause then i can work out when she isnt home and sleep all day. ^_^

Im cutting my hair off too. I have fairly long hair and im cutting it...all off 7 and a half inches about... maybe mroe i dont know im still looking i found two that i love so im going to show them to you and have you guys pick. Its going to be my reward for getting into the 140s

Summer

So school ends this Friday. My plan for the summer sleep.
Not all summer nonono

Everyday to avoid eating im going to sleep 90% of my day. The other ten im going to get up work out clean get on the computer.

I don't plan on doing much. I love the summer its a time where i can just waste away into nothing.

Thinking once lose 30ish pounds im going to cut my hair off. All of it. Just go to find a style i like


<3 alice

Tired

Never felt this tired in my life

Perpare for bad eatting

Today

smoothie=110
scone=400
popcorn and candy=250
pasta=400
potato's=300


total=1460.....baaaaaad


and i am starting a fast tomorrow. think ill be to tired to eat and i have to pay fees so no money for food :D.


bed must sleep

<3 alice

Yet again

If you guys havnt noticed by now i get sick...alot. This time i think its just allergies being a bitch. Let hope im right.

Fuck i dont care anymore. This week has just been a lazy week i dont want to do anything but sit in bed.


<3 Alice

Down one

Got my permit :D

The picture is but ugly. If i loss me the 50 pounds i get to take a new one though :D


Got a lot of work to do. Im going to get soe too....i slightly am looking forward to it. lol


<3 Aice

Time for improvment

First thing is first. Dropping weight!!!

Tomorrow i should hopefully be getting my Learner Permit. Yep i am getting it finally.
Im going to be improving alot of things.

List maybe?

1: Loss 65 pounds
2: Get liciense
3: get straight A's(doing amazing at this!!!)
4: Read more
5: dress nicer/look nicer
6: Be cleaner

And a bunch of others......

Still a vegetarian and its not as hard as i thought. Im rather well at it. Sigh why cant all diets be this easy?

I dont have much to say.

sadness


<3 Alice

I'm so tired

It's not the i just need a long nights sleep im tired of everything. I'm tired of trying, tired of lieing, tired of not being myself. Even when i try to sleep i find it hard to breath (not cause im so futher mucking fat). I feel it all the time this heaviness the is in every finger, toe , hair of my body. I could be lighter then air and still feel so heavy.

Then comes my father who never helps. Like im never good enough. I could be number one the best of the best to ever live cure cancer, aids, and anything else bring world peace travel the galaxy bring him a star home in my pocket and he would still tell me i could do better. Everyone sticks up for him to EVEN THE FLIPPING TEACHER!!!!"oh he only wants the best for you. You'll understand when your older." I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE NOW LADY!!!!! I'M THE CHILD HER NEVER FLIPPING WANTED!!!!! He has another daughter from his other marriage. With a woman who cheated on him with every man she could get her hands on. SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HIS!!! and he loves her more. I hate the teacher for saying that. I wanted to yell at her for telling me that I don't know my home life. She wouldn't even listen to me as i tried to tell her. She would open her flipping mouth when i did and then just change the subject. IM BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED LADY AND YOU ARNT LISTENING TO ME!!!! Why arnt you helping me. Nobody listens to me. I flat out told my friends I was/am planning to kill myself. I have it all planned out every single thing. Did they listen? Nop, just went on talking about some bull shit thing. Im honestly starting to think no one would care if i died. If i just didnt wake up in the morning...call the ambulance to take my body away tell them to do what ever with it and go on with heir happy lives. Nobody would care. It would just be so much easier for everyone if i just...diapered.


ALice

bad Day again

A kid at my school killed him self. Not really sure if i feel like telling you guys but its making me upset and i view you as friends. I didnt even know the kid and i keep getting panic attacks and start to cry.

Wana know a secret....I wish i was the one who killed them self.....not him. Maybe he would have changed his mind? But i dont know why he did it so i might not have made a difference. Then i think that if i knew could i have helped him....Could have knowing him simply have changed it.

So i was going to fast but when i found out i kind of said screw it and didnt really think the rest of the day other then about that.


sorry

<3 Alice

Ok

So i gained a pound. Why? cause we had pizza and thats all i ate over the weekend and i just sat aoud. I should have gained more but what ever i got lucky.

I did my Sit ups for the night. and i got some new rules for me.

Rules:

1) Not eatting after 6
2)No candy
3) Must at least bike ride around the graveyard everyday.
4)Weight every three days (its starting to become a habit)
5)Onely water and diet drinks (or drinks with no calories)
6) no fast food/junk food


Thats all i can think of so we will find out later if i add more on.

Anyways later


<3 alice

Body

Hight:5'6 1/2

Weight:176

Hair: Blond

Eyes: green

Shoe size: 8

Dress size: i don't know i don't where dresses

Anything eles?

Bad day tomorrow better

Today was family night and i normally eat a lot soooo. I did a little work out but nothing that could make me loss weight tomorrow though I'm doing that three hours of biking :D

I'm going to try fasting on the weekends or every other day. Not sure yet. I am most likely cutting my calories to 650. So when i do 3 hours od biking everyday (sometimes more) ill be burning over 700 calories:D. Hopefully ill be able to get it up to 1000 by the summer. I dont know:P maybe ill just cut down the calories?

So my first goal weight is 170
Second 160
third 155....


Ill just put it up in the side bar thing

<3 Alice

???

Weight 177.0?

Yesterday i was 179.0

How did i loss 2 pounds in one day? Water weight maybe?

Anyways i ate around 800-900 calories today and burned about 100 calories so not to well.

Did you know that you can live off milk? I found that out a couple days ago I'm tempted to try fasting with just milk and water now. I don't think ill make it till i cut out more calories so we will see.

Tomorrow i want to try to stay under 700 calories. I think i can do it. Then I'm going to bring the stationary bike into my room and watch a movie or two(or three) wall riding it. One hour burns about 250 calories. total of 750 for three hours:) so i think I'm going to do 3 movies. I'm also going to start doing sit ups every morning and night. start off slow with 30 and every week ill add ten more on. If that 177 is true then at the end of next week i will be in the 160s most likely.

Wish me luck of my Biology test!i always fail:(

<3 Alice

today

179.0

Intake:

Morning:

Breakfast burrito=250

Afternoon:

Cereal=300?

Dinner:

burger without meat=280

Snack:

Cotton candy=80

Total=910

Today ,compared to normal days lately, i have ate a lot.

Burned=350

so really it was 610:D


<3 Alice

lost

I cant remember the last time i told you guys iv lost weight and I'm going to post it on here the ugly huge fucking numbers. Sorry for the language.

So i started out(after all the binging and weight gain)at 181.6......hug i know I'm sorry

I'm now 179.2....better but not by a lot

This is all from changing my diet i haven't really worked out that much lately but after seeing the numbers drop i think I'm going to start doing it a lot more.

Yep hope to be around 174 in the next week or two. Hopefully by the start of may ill be about 165 that way when i see my cousin and know that she had most likely gained weight i have lost. Funny if it goss on her. Show her whos better. She ALWAYS thinks she is better then me always! so it would be nice to be better then her weight wise.

And I'm doing better in school. The bitch chick who keeps messing with me hasn't stopped but my grades are really good. I'm thinking of having my teacher change my seat but hey i want to see her face when at the end of the term I'm thinner then her cause she is on the thick side herself. i don't know if i can get in the 150s before school ends but if i did i think i would kiss...idk...Ben(male friend SOOOOOOOO TALL!) who i call dad but none the less.

Ben was my friend who held me during my emotional break down too so i think he is a keeper(friend wise). He has been rather nicer to me to now that he knows how depressed i am. I think its his way of trying to make me feel better. What would make me feel better i punching that Bitch in the face until her nose falls off!


<3Alice

falling

Well it finally happened. I had an emotional break down at school. Luckily it was at the end of the day and the only person who really saw was my some what friend Ben. He walked over tome gave me a hug and at that moment i wanted to tell him everything. In the end i only told him about the depression. Not about the harassment or the starving or the purging. Not even the cutting of the thought of suicide, the thought that scream at me plead with me. I just bottled it all back up. The only reason it happened was cause i couldn't take it anymore. People whispering, throwing things, laughing, name calling, making fun of. How everyday i lie about the smile. About the happiness and how i make it seem perfect. I wanted to fall to me knees and beg him to kill me. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to go back the next day and have it start all over again. I wanted to stay home curled up in my warm bed naked and closed in. I wanted to listen to the wind blow the leaves around and the rain fall from the sky. I wanted to hear the thunder crash and just sit there finally able to relax. I wanted to feel calm knowing i wouldn't have to go back for another week. I wanted the world to lift itself off my body from its crushing pain to let me breath. But i went back to face their deformed faces. Their demonic laughter and curled up grins. I went back to the bone chilling spin tingling cold. I could nt bring myself to tell my mother i was a loser. She thinks i have friends i have maybe 5 friends.

So came the last period of the day. And in walked the devil her slightly chubby features and smug behavior. This made me sink in my seat. I felt it boiling inside me. The lava pouring into my mind filling my body that moment when you just want to scream every loathing word of hatred at a person and spit in their face. But i just sat there scared frozen unable to move waiting for a face i could trust to walk in. When one didn't everything around me turned black and i fell down the hole to be pierced by wooden spikes. filling i split open my body and the blood drain as i sank deeper and deeper down. I couldn't even breath.

One day i want to stand up to this girl and call her a murder. She is killing me from the inside. I want to tell her that i rather be dead then face her ugly face again. I want to be able to scream at her all the pain she has caused me. I want her to feel the emotions and self loathing she has drowned me in. I want to be able to tell her that her actions will bring her to the lowest part of hell. That she will be suffering her own actions and never be able to stop it. I want to tell her and show her that i can make her life a living hell and how she will never feel peace again.

is this to dark?

<3 Alice

Reply to Ew

I would love to cant wait to speak with you again!:D

V-day four

Still going strong. I got school tomorrow and don't want to go. But i have spring brake coming up and its a short week so that's a plus side. I'm going to start running again. Kind of stopped for a little not sure how long though. But I'm going at it again starting of slow with one mile then every week pumping it up by .5 of a mile.

So I used to have a friend we will call her M. Growing up we would always hang out being crazy and having fun. some time ago (six or seven years) she told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I was heart broken she was my only friend. I tried everything to get her back. Gave her notes say im sorry changing myself. Anything until the point i gave up. So along came middle school and i was so happy i thought i would never have to see her again. Nope i was wrong. She has been in at least one of my classes every year from then on. I see her in the hall at lunch walking down the street anything and everywhere. So the other day in food the teacher put her in our group cause we were one short. At some points it felt like old times laughing and doing random things. Making a sand castle out of my failed gravy attempt. I kind of felt happy for once. Come the end of the class though she went back to her friends. I felt down again. I thought we might be come friends again. Was i hoping for to much? Then the other day i heard the song "when she loved me" from toy story....ya it sucked. Cause its like everything that has gone on with our relation ship. I feel lost sometimes. Cause iv never been able to find someone who i could be so close with like i could with her. idk

<3Alice

V-day two

Today was amazing im doing so well on this. Better then any diet i have ever been on! Its amazing. This feels amazing!

Ok so today i woke up like i do every morning and did my morning goodness stuff. When i went up stairs my mother was in the kitchen she said me made me breakfast. A breakfast burrito. My reply?

"Whats in it?"

Mom:"eggs, cheese sausage-"

Me:" i can't eat it"

mom:"why not"

As this point it clicked in her head and she said whatever in a pissed off voice a stormed off to her room slamming that door behind her.This is her " im pissed of cause i didnt get my way or no one did what i wanted them to, ect" drama. I walked in and grabbed some socks then walked out. Went to school bla bla bla. Then came home. She said she loved me and had calmed down. Then she told me that we are going to eat out for my brother birth day(not the one that left i have two brothers)and that i could get the salad bar they had and what not. So she understood near the end but i wanted to yell at her for the bitchiness she did that morning buti rather not start something.

Parents Who doubt you

Anyone else have parents that doubt your choices and do support what you want to do with your life? Today i told my parents that i wanted to be a vegetarian, this is something i have wanted to do for many years now and i finally divided to go through with it. Their reply?

"Oh....no you cant do that.""you shouldn't bother.""You don't even like vegetables"

Everything they said was a negative come back. I told my friends at should and their reply was better then what my parents said. It kind of gives me the feeling that my friends respect and believe in me more then my own flesh and blood. My mother though was more positive then my father about it. She said "At least let her try it out." The was she said it makes me feel like she suspects me to give up. The more they don't believe me the more i would like to prove them wrong.

I'm sure i already told you that my brother left for training, right? well he sent a letter and he told me to keep up on my homework and get off the couch. Did i find this insulting? This is how he shows me he cares. It is slightly inspiring too. Next time he sees me(late June maybe?) i want to lose 20 pounds. This i know will bring praise from him. Is it weird that i rather seek approval from my brother then my parents?

today i think was for sure 1000 calories maybe 1200 but no more then that.

I hope everyone can take a deep breath and believe that you know you can do something even if other doubt your every move. Tonight at mid night I will feel complete joy at to say that i have made it 24 hours being a vegetarian.


<3 Alice

sigh

Not sure what to do anymore. I have allergies like crazy, feels the same as being sick. Im fucking huge! My emotions are so up and down. Everyday that passes the more i feel like going on a crazy rampage of destruction and yelling, not caring what the result would be. I feel life screaming at people for no reason.




kind of how i feel




What people see...sort of


I dont know. Im not the best at art......nor am i good at writing...


Dead celebrity Status- if these walls could talk....kind of helps in letting some of it out but thats not even the half of it...

Pictures dont really show much either


<3 alice

CAts

Im allergic to cats.....really bad.....really really bad

btw five seconds ago

Me: tissue tissue*gets up from desk and slams foot into* shit that hurt.

Ya i have had about 710 calories to day it might be less but imnot sure if the chili i got at wendys was a small or not.

I report back when i feel less like crap


<3 Alice

Head over heals for someone i cant have

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
kind of how i feel and my view

Haha

I lied on my foods paper about what i ate.i put more then i ate and it still ended up being really small. Kind of made me think that i should be writing this stuff down more cause i seem to eat less when i did. So I'm going to find a note book to use i always have a blank one somewhere and ill carry it with me so i can write down everything calories how many cups or something. I think it might really help me.

Btw i got the computer. :D kind of happy.

Anyways

I had pizza today

700-900 calories.

I hate it when i only eat one thing but it has the most calories in it. Thinking of having my mom buy apples and stuff. Who knows.

Going to look for pictures and stuff.

<3 Alice

God

the hardest thing in life is telling someone how much you hate them without being rude.

sure

Foods class we had to wright down everything we eat for today and tomorrow. She came around to see what kid had so far and i was the only kid with a blank paper. She yell at me that i had to eat.

My mind: Why so i can be a fat ass forever!?

My mouth: I cant eat before 1:00 or i just end up throwing it all up, it makes me sick i dont know why.

So i had some of what we made in foods so she didnt think anything and i took some home. I had a piece of pizza and some chips with popcorn

I think my total was around= 850-900....maybe more i didnt count.

Tomorrow im not eating. Ill just lie about what i ate. I'm going to start asking my dad for a dollar every day for "lunch" but i will save it and buy myself a scale. This way i dont have to base off of looks and measurments. I will have a solid numerb. The one i want is about 25 then i have to add tax so maybe 30 at the most. So for the next 30 days i will only eat fruit or try to eat nothing and drink water. Im scared of the number. Im getting my computer friday or saturday.


<3 Alice

downer

I swear to god everyone hates me these past two weeks. I have cheerleaders and popular kids on my ass. My brother is a fucking ass hole. And my father just called me a pig. You know about my diet plan and stuff. Well today i was well under the allowed intake and thought it would be ok if i had some ice cream. So i pulled it out got a little and before i could even take one bite my father (i dont even want to call him that) says

"You going to eat all that, holy cow thats a lot, pigging out" So i threw it in the freezer and stormed off so now one could see me cry at what a fat loser i am. My mom comes in and starts asking stuff. Her reply to his comment

"He never said that" HE WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER WHEN HE SAID IT! HOW COULD SHE TAKE HIS SIDE! SHE KNOW HOW DEPRESSED IM FEELING LATELY AND SHE STICKS UP FOR HIM! Im sick of this i cant take it anymore. I cant take the words and people glaring at me and throwing stuff at me. I cant take people making fun of me.Every day im finding it harder and harder to go on. every days someone adds another rock to my back pack and a larger hill to clime. All my father dose is bring up things i should do in my life and what im doing wrong point out things that i tell him over and over i dont want to do or im not ready for yet or stuff im scared of. I dont want to start driving im scared of cars i hate them and he keeps pushing me to go out and start driving no matter how much i tell him. He keeps telling me how i need to drop a few pounds and get out and do something. Dose he not understand that to me thats calling me fat. And when i even said he was hurting my feeling he didnt apologize for it he just ignored me. I cant do it i cant live this life. What am i to do? Everything hurt my heart my head my body. I cant sleep. Im failing two classes. How do they...how can they think that everything is all right? I feel so alone. My friends are no help. I nearly started crying in class the other day. I cant do it anymore its to hard. I feel like im just a cry baby like im so weak. Everyone thinks im amazing cause i act like i don't care what people say. In truth i do care, i care about every word, i care what people think of me, i care if people hate me or not, i care that i cant stick up for myself, i care that i cant show emotion in front of others and end up collapsing to the floor later from all the pain i have bottled up. And im getting to the breaking point. I feel like this is the only place i can let it out. And even them its not everything. There is so much more. Im falling down the rabbit hole with nothing but the knowledge of being impaled when its over.

march 3

My brothers leaving in a few day.and i might not see him for 6 months or longer. So today when everyone was going to meet with some of the people and i wanted to go he pretty much yelled at me and said he didn't want me their. So i was left home alone crying ask what i did to make my brother hate me so much he is leaving in a couple of days and all i wanted to do what spend a little of time with him and he yelled at me for caring. I spent the rest of the day try to not cry when my family got back going over everything i can remember over the past 16 years of my life asking myself what i did wrong? what did i do to make him hate me so much? why cant he understand that he is my brother and although we fight sometimes I'm going to miss him. He is my hero. I can remember being little and playing games with him. Sitting by him on the bus on my first day of school. Him bring me stuff when i was sick for 2 month throwing up. And now he hates me...what did i do. Was it cause i was born. Has he hated me that much for 16 years?

was doing ok untile today

today was...kind of bad ok really bad about 2000 calories bad....


Tomorrow we are fixing that.
half a peace of tost=100
fruit=100
2 baked potato=255
salad=85

Toatal= 540

Hope that will keep me from a bing. I hope.


<3 alice

First day of march

So far today I have nt ate but the will most likely change when I get home like it always dose. I'll probably want some potatos or cookie. Then I have cooking and we are making cookies. Then I'll want more..you see what a fail I am. So I'm going to suck it up and do another cooking get out of eating trick.bunch of people just came in the class room....alittle paniced....trying to make it look like I'm texting



I'll update better later

<3 Alice

Scared

So is it sad I'm to scared to tell you guys how much i weight. Its just scary for me cause I'm not that thin. I really fat huge compared to most...well all of you. I'm fat and i know it and I'm ashamed of it. I'm so lost and so confused. I feel like I'm stuck in a downward spiral. There is nothing i can do.


You know the whole no cookies thing...i failed...and most likely will fail tomorrow. My friend made me cookies and we are making cookies in cooking. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Iv lied to much in that class and the kids in my group look at me weird cause i showed them a trick or two to getting out of eating. I'm so lost. Its not like the kids think i have and ED or something, they just look at me weird.


I just want to fast. I want to but i fail so much. It is upsetting me.

Anyways to all you readers. You are amazing and i love each and everyone of you. Keep strong even though i cant. And stay thin so one day i can be. I just have to get into the habit.

You inspire me
<3 Alice

Yepo

So today I cleaned my bathroom...yep that's it..... Damn my life is boring.

Intake

one pb&j =300
2 baked potatos=260
let say 10 cookies? =900

total 1460

damn you cookies!*shakes fist like old person yellig at kids to get off lawn*

cookies are no longer aloud in diet cause I would have been fine with out them must find new low cal way to intake suger...I'm thinking suckers.



<3 Alice

News

Those of you who are worried about my toilet it is fine i fixed it....and got a gallon of toilet water on my floor. Not my best day...


Intake

Toast=180
sandwich=500(school lunch i wasn't sure so this is a high guess im not eating school lunch anymore btw)
Orange =100
juice=145
sucker=25

950..

Im slightly happy about that i though i ate way more then that but nop.

That sandwich killed me though i think ill just have fruit or chips at lunch:)slowly im getting out of the bing....slowly but better slow then trying to go from one end to another right?

Tomorrow

Toast= 180
fruit=100
chips=200 (a guess)
potato=125
salad =95
for a total of 700. Hopefully i fallow this for a few days.

wish me luck and also im feeling much better. One side of my nose is still clogged but thats about it other then a small tickle in my lungs.

<3 Alice

P.s. my sign test went of i asked people if they would be ok with me signing them so i dont have to worry about someone being mad at me. All i have to do is watch the video and learn to block it out.

Worst thing ever

So today i come home from school and i use the bathroom like normal. Well i flush the toilet and it flushes....kind of. The water flows up and over the bowl leaving a wet mess all over my bathroom. Luckly the its just water that is overflow. sad thing i didnt even use the toilet. I say on it cause i got my period and had to take care of it. I flush the toilet out of habit. It was my brothers friend who clogged my toilet. On top of that we dont own a plunger. So now im looking up ways to unclog a toilet without a plunger and trying not to tell my parents so it dosnt turn into a big deal. I really dont want my brothers friend to be embarrassed over the whole thing. So ya


On the bright side im feeling alot better and i dont think im eating for the rest of the day.....Hope you all are having a better day then me


<3 Alice

Oh god

hI dont want to sound like a bitch and post twice but im so pissed at myself.

I take American sign language and most of the time its grate but tomorrow i have a sign test and normally im ok with it but not this time. This time he is filming it and ya it wouldn't be to bad if i didn't have to watch it in front of the whole class. A class of 30 people. That and its describing people. Whats wrong with that? I don't want to describe someone and have them flip out and get mad at me for saying something that hurt them. And they have to watch me a fat ass....how can i loss 30 pounds in fucking 12 hours...I'm crying right now i feel so pathetic. god im so stupid. I shouldn't have done all the binging and been so lax about it... I cant do it. and i have to. I only have one friend in the class to that i wont have to worry about being mad at me. God so fucking stupid..

post 101

I feel alot better:) though im still sick. Im going to school tomorrow. And i think i can go back to a diet and start working out tomorrow. Im thinking of moving the bike into my room so i can do that at night when i cant sleep.

Im eating yougert and i haven't felt that hungry today. but i ate more then i could have:P it what weird eating for no really reason. I dont really know.

Still very sick

I just sneezed about 10 time trying to type the title....and I can't get better. I had to have my dad take me home from school early it got so bad.

What I remember eatting(brain won't work well enough to remember )
half a roll sandwich : 125
chips: 150
cookies: 200
ummmm
more cookies:135
yougert:200
noodles: 400
1110? Total I'm not sure about my math...
And I sleepy most of the day so I didn't burn anything

eatting is best when your sick though and as much as I'm screaming at myself I have to get this flu out of my body befor I can work with a diet properly but I'm still planing what I eat

yougert:200
noodle:200
fruit:100
bagal:250
salad:85
835 total

<3 Alice

Sick

I'm sick. A weird kind of sick. The kind where I'm feeling more sick then I really am. Everything is really just chile but my body feels drained in everyway. I can't sleep, I can't move, All I can do is eat and I can tell iv put on weight just by looking in the mirror. From all the binging and being sick. God I feel like crap idk what I'm going to do. I don't want to put on weight I want it off!


<3alice

Movies

There is only one movie that makes me sob like a baby.... And I just watched it... Now I'm watching family guy in hopes I'll stop crying before my brother and his friend comes up from down stairs...yep I feel heart broken now...



<3 Alice

Today

Today's intake

noodles= 400
pasta=295
2 baked potato=225

Total= 920

Not as bad as i thought it would be and im rather happy with it.

Tomorrow ill most likely have just the baked potato's. for a total of 225, on in the morningish( i say "ish" cause i sleep in past noon) and one at night. Maybe walk over to my sister in laws and help her paint fairy wings. Yes you read right i paint fairy wing and i got to craft fairs and what not to sell them. The walk is about one mile in the snow....


Speaking of fairs! Their is one called the Renaissance Fair. Sure all of you have heard of it but anyways its in may. But i only have about 70 days or less before i have to get an outfit for it and every thing if i can just lose .5 pounds a day before then (35 pounds) i will most likely be the happiest person on earth. I think its setting my goals kind of high. Im scared about setting my goal high because if i dont make them i will just piss at myself more.

Calories aloud per day:350 in order to prepare for the fair

<3 Alice

STOP THE BING GOD DAMMIT!

Ok really this isn't even a shrug it off and try harder tomorrow thing. This is just bull crap now. I want to start yelling at myself. God its like iv lost all control....I really need to fix this. Im going to try for the next week just eating fruit. After that we will see. If i do good we can add veg, if not im just cutting food out completely. I'm so sick of this i just want to cry. I feel so lost. god.


If anyone wants to text me send me an email at alice.mybody.105@gmail.com

I would post it on here but i feel that it is unsafe so just give me your name and you blog and ill give you mine.

<3Alice

Feb.15,2011

Soooooo today's intake

2 pieces of toast= 325
a 1/6 of a hamburger= 89-98
(i binged when i got home)4 baked potato's= 450
Fruit
-banana
-strawberry's
-black berries
=85
one cookie= 140
Total=1089-1098

That's a lot but compared to what i was shoving in my mouth every five mins that is a lot better.

Tomorrow i will be having

1 piece of toast = 162
half of a fruit =48
a bite of what i make in foods class=25(might not make anything)
One! baked potato =125
salad=95
Total=430- 455
hope it will be much better then today and turn out how i plan

I have a bunch of fucking English homework to do and a project that is due on Friday and my partner and i aren't even halfway done. Right now im going to worry about the English cause im pretty much failing that....*sad face*. If i can get that up to a B my grades will be improved...hopefully. I am praying nothing jumps out at me.

Ill update more tomorrow cause i got to print off something for English take a shower and then do some of the stuff for English before heading to bed. Last night was a late nighter to from homework. Man schools a bitch if you fall behind.


<3 Alice ( wish me luck on getting out of the bing crap)

sooo

Soon i will be getting my own computer. This is so helpful cause then all i have to do it set a password to it and i can stay signed into blogger and have a bunch of thinspo with no worries. The down side? my brothers leave to train to be an EOD......I will miss him dearly. But my brother has always been in perfect shape so next time i see him i want him to look at me and be to proud of me for being thin. Another thing? Binging is a hard habit to break you do it once and you whole life is in the crapper. Anyone got pointers on how to get out of this so i can start repairing myself for a fast that will last. Another thing is my cousin( complete bitch btw) sees me once a month every month for dinner with my grandfather. In one month i want to lose 20-25 pounds or more if i could. This can only happen with a fast. Why doing this and what dose it have to do with my cousin? Well my cousin (like me) is on the chubby side and wants to lose weight but no matter how hard she tries she cant. I was just think of how good it would feel to so called "rub it in her face" that im getting thinner and she is not. Is the mean? most likely....I'v been really mean lately.....is that bad?
But this would be pay back for all the Crap she has said and done to me that its kind of like evening everything out....

Reasons to be thin (in my mind)
-To be beautiful
-To get(hopefully) a better image about myself
-To finally get people to look at me and not see something other then a fat chick
-To sit next to someone in school and have them know who i am. Ok this happened today, the teacher was showing my paper to the call and said "This is Brittney's(my real name) paper." about 10 people in the class said flat out "Who's Brittney?" 3 of them sit next to me....i find this sad.
-maybe find someone to love?
- Make everyone see that im worth something
- To show everyone who said i cant do it or ever made fun of me for being fat that im not and they can shut their face
-Piss off my cousin and one or two other persons.
-To finally feel loved by others
- and a bunch of other i dont feel like nameing....mainly pass events and stuff.


<3 Alice (i will still be signing with alice just cause i feel like it something that become apart of me but my name is brittney and if you dont like it thats fine just call me alice.)

Things go better when i plan then out.

Tomorrow morning: Half a serving of juice mixed with water= 50

Afternoon: Water= 0

After school: diet soda= 0

Dinner: Half a serving of juice mixed with water...again =50

Total= 100

Thinking of going for a walk....might not....my nephews coming over so that's the only thing holding me back.

I might have time for a short one. Just 30 mins at the most... that's about a 100 calories burned normally for me. Right now i just want to make sure i don't eat what i cant burn off. I don't really feel like eating right now anyways...i feel more like throwing up.

New fast?

So right now I'm doing homework trying to stay up as late as I can to sleep all day tomrrow and fast. I really want to love some weight before v-day. I don't know why it's not like I get anything or any guy in ther right mind could love me. So today I over heard some kids talking about how fat someone was. Now they never said a name that I could head but my brain jumped right to "their talking about me" so it was weird to find it as the push I needed to finally move forword with a full on fast and not eatting for more then two days . The third day always gets me it's when I need the most help cause I start to panic and flip out thinking someone knows. Kind of like when my fathher saw me throw food away. Sent panic and I started eatting again. Weird I just need to calm down. Anyways night my phone is dieing.



<3 Alice

god

my parents are on my as lately its really annoying and i know that it is not the fast thing cause thats been really well hidden so im just doing a fruit fast.


Rules:

Only eat once a day when mother can see.

Only fruits (dur)

Fruits allowed

-Apples
-Blackberries(love these)
-Oranges
-Raspberries
-Strawberries

Also it said that these fruits have negative calories. Better hope soo:P

<3 alice

Slightly worried

So when I was going out to throw the food I "ate" away my dad was still there and I got worried he saw me. So I actted like I threw something away and ran back inside. When I was sure he was gone I took papers and threw them away. Then I took the food and ran down stairs to throw it in a garbage can down there. Why throw the papers away? So if he did see and I'm asked about it I can say it was papers and if they dot believe me go look. No food just papers. Good for on the spot if you ask me... Anyways this is day two of my re-fast so far so good but I normally get an urge to bing around 6 so got to nap through that.



<3 Alice

Note

Has anyone heard the song Fuckin' perfect by pink...? Love that song

3:15 after school news

Yep you read right. It is after school:P I missed my lunch drink (arnt aloud drinks in class rooms) so I came home and had some juice and cause I had this really strong craving for coco I did and found out it only had 80 calories in so I feel less guilty. Right now I'm drinking juice and watching An American Haunting. My nephew is coming over soon so I might see if I can go on a walk with him to the store get him some candy and maybe gum for me. Oh and if you might be asking "why she drink juice" it's cause I had a bing fest and had to restarted my fast. Yep sucked so trying again. So gum and candy, I'm thinking of buying a bunch of gum cause everyone always asks me for gum and I run out cause I can't say no. Ummm thinking of tea latter or something for dinner. Going to run soon. Running make me feel less hungry so it should be a good idea then I'll shower get ready for bed and do alittle reading before I sleep.

Ok so there were these firemen at our school today. One of them was a really hottie. You should have seen the girl swon and him it was so funny.

Also any questions about me or who I am? Cause I don't think you know all that much. So I'm just going to list a few you don't have to read any of it though

One: I love horror and blood and death just anything creepy really I love it. Weird I know...

Two: I love all music piano, rap, punk, scremo,classical all of it. And for one of the bloggers I read. I love MCR and would totally do him to.

Three: I'm an anime geek love anime so much that it's scary.

Four: I think the teacher from An Amrican Haunting is sexy...

Five: I hate being around people. Like I can stand one person but put me in a crowed and I'll stand there praying that no one touches me.


There five facts anything eles let me know :)

<3 Alice

Sooo

I drank so much that i feel full? How on earth dose that work iv never done it before? It is completely weird. Iv been drinking some calories also. After day three though (tomorrow) ill be cutting them out and just going straight water. I had hot coco the warmth of it soother my tummy is such a weird way. I felt kind of bad for drinking it after words. Kind of like i had eaten even though it wasn't food. So I'm not having hot coco again. If i want something warm i can heat up juice or water or something like that. Maybe its just the face of it being like chocolate i felt so guilty over it.


At school in foods class they made cookies. And because its foods one of the rules is you have to try everything. So i went up grabbed a cookie and gave it to my friend XD.

My mother is making dinner for me before heading out with my dead for a date. I'm just going to grab a bowl full and when she leaves either feed it to my nephew or throw it away outside(outside cause she cant see it in that garbage can). I'm thinking of running upstairs for some juice and then maybe seeing if i can walk over to the dollar store with my nephew and buy some gum.

Also question: dose a sucker count as food cause my friend was saying it doesn't I thought it would. Anyone know?

And ok so i normally don't talk about guys on here but i think of you girls as friends i can trust. BUUUUUUUT there is this one guy in my foods class who is really hot. And tall. I kind of tall cause i myself am 5'6 and most guys are shorter but not him. And he isn't like one of those supper skinny made of bone tall guys. He has a normal body (you know not fat mainly muscle)....Ok I'm going way to far into this sorry i will stop now.


Anyways if you want to know anything more about me ill try to tell you


<3 alice

Half way fail

So i ate Saturday. But i fasted today. Also i was so upset about eating I didn't even want to tell you. I fasted today though and from now on i will keep it up. I'm not really sure how long i want this so go for.

And now for a small bit of personal life.

A family member of mine gave us a call. Why? He was in jail and need a 1000 dollar bail and a place to stay. He got in a fight with his wife from what i understand. This is not really that shocking for me. His wife is kinda crazy.

Anyways another thing. All my friends keep say that they are all sad and stuff. Some of them really have no reason for it. Well they do but the reason is something that really isn't all that bad. It puzzles me how human emotions work, such little things can upset us and the way we react to then is blowing the way out of proportion. Then i look at my life and at the things that upset me and in my opinion they seem to be more of a big deal then theirs. Is this how it is for everyone?

Also my new favorite song is: Lights - face up. Just so beautiful in my opinion.

<3 alice

Really fast

I just want to say thank you to Zette and Annie for the comment. Just made me so much more happy for some odd reason. It also just made me believe i can do it all that much more.

Again love you
and all of you who read this(dont know why).

<3 Alice

yeP

So tomorrow i have the first day of my fast... i plan to sleep all day through it.....lazy yes helpful though very. When you sleep no worries of the thought "well just one wont hurt" and i can sleep allllll day Sunday too so that a plus. The only hard part is going to be Monday. That and all the lieing I'm about to have leave my mouth. But i can do it. I know i can.

I'm thinking of taking a nap so i can stay up til who knows when so it will make it easier to sleep all day.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Anyways im off to sleep ill try posting tomorrow


<3 Alice

Time and time again

So my dear lovely ladies i will be starting a fast this Saturday January 29, 2011.

It mainly going to be a water fast for me. If anyone wants to join in go right ahead. Also if you do join you don't have to do a water fast it can me any kind of fast you want. So no worries with that:D

This fast like i said it going to be water. But for exercise it going to be kind of slow to start out with (don't want to over do it). For the first five days it will be a short walk 300 sit ups 200 push ups and 500 jumping jacks. Then over time its going to turn into a full 60 min run and what not. If i start feeling like its to much though I will be pulling back on the running and stuff.

Anyways, I think the hardest part it going to be hiding food and stuff after school my moms not home to see me eat so I'm just going to dirty up some dishes and leave them laying around. For dinner on the other hand I'm thinking of putting a garbage bag under my bed or something or maybe even just flushing it down the toilet. Any ideas better then this?


<3 Alice

Sooo

Im sick again......



Ya it sucks

Something Cool

Did you know the human body was built to be able to run 24/7. That the only time your not running it when you sleep. That people are so used to sitting down they cant keep running forever.

Did you know that sitting down is not natural to the body.


I though that was cool!


Doing a 500 calorie diet. Mainly just fruits ^_^. Im also working up to running 10 miles without stopping.

After my 500 calorie diet im going to be doing my fast. I know im saying "Ill be fasting after this" a lot but i kind of want to build up to it ya know. I want to get used to live and running a lot with so little calories before i go into a fast. I have had a lot of set back -.-.


Anyways love you all and stay strong

<3 Alice