Thursday, March 31, 2011

Parents Who doubt you

Anyone else have parents that doubt your choices and do support what you want to do with your life? Today i told my parents that i wanted to be a vegetarian, this is something i have wanted to do for many years now and i finally divided to go through with it. Their reply?

" you cant do that.""you shouldn't bother.""You don't even like vegetables"

Everything they said was a negative come back. I told my friends at should and their reply was better then what my parents said. It kind of gives me the feeling that my friends respect and believe in me more then my own flesh and blood. My mother though was more positive then my father about it. She said "At least let her try it out." The was she said it makes me feel like she suspects me to give up. The more they don't believe me the more i would like to prove them wrong.

I'm sure i already told you that my brother left for training, right? well he sent a letter and he told me to keep up on my homework and get off the couch. Did i find this insulting? This is how he shows me he cares. It is slightly inspiring too. Next time he sees me(late June maybe?) i want to lose 20 pounds. This i know will bring praise from him. Is it weird that i rather seek approval from my brother then my parents?

today i think was for sure 1000 calories maybe 1200 but no more then that.

I hope everyone can take a deep breath and believe that you know you can do something even if other doubt your every move. Tonight at mid night I will feel complete joy at to say that i have made it 24 hours being a vegetarian.

<3 Alice

Monday, March 28, 2011


Not sure what to do anymore. I have allergies like crazy, feels the same as being sick. Im fucking huge! My emotions are so up and down. Everyday that passes the more i feel like going on a crazy rampage of destruction and yelling, not caring what the result would be. I feel life screaming at people for no reason.

kind of how i feel

What people see...sort of

I dont know. Im not the best at art......nor am i good at writing...

Dead celebrity Status- if these walls could talk....kind of helps in letting some of it out but thats not even the half of it...

Pictures dont really show much either

<3 alice

Friday, March 18, 2011


Im allergic to cats.....really bad.....really really bad

btw five seconds ago

Me: tissue tissue*gets up from desk and slams foot into* shit that hurt.

Ya i have had about 710 calories to day it might be less but imnot sure if the chili i got at wendys was a small or not.

I report back when i feel less like crap

<3 Alice

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Head over heals for someone i cant have

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
kind of how i feel and my view

Friday, March 11, 2011


I lied on my foods paper about what i ate.i put more then i ate and it still ended up being really small. Kind of made me think that i should be writing this stuff down more cause i seem to eat less when i did. So I'm going to find a note book to use i always have a blank one somewhere and ill carry it with me so i can write down everything calories how many cups or something. I think it might really help me.

Btw i got the computer. :D kind of happy.


I had pizza today

700-900 calories.

I hate it when i only eat one thing but it has the most calories in it. Thinking of having my mom buy apples and stuff. Who knows.

Going to look for pictures and stuff.

<3 Alice

Thursday, March 10, 2011


the hardest thing in life is telling someone how much you hate them without being rude.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Foods class we had to wright down everything we eat for today and tomorrow. She came around to see what kid had so far and i was the only kid with a blank paper. She yell at me that i had to eat.

My mind: Why so i can be a fat ass forever!?

My mouth: I cant eat before 1:00 or i just end up throwing it all up, it makes me sick i dont know why.

So i had some of what we made in foods so she didnt think anything and i took some home. I had a piece of pizza and some chips with popcorn

I think my total was around= 850-900....maybe more i didnt count.

Tomorrow im not eating. Ill just lie about what i ate. I'm going to start asking my dad for a dollar every day for "lunch" but i will save it and buy myself a scale. This way i dont have to base off of looks and measurments. I will have a solid numerb. The one i want is about 25 then i have to add tax so maybe 30 at the most. So for the next 30 days i will only eat fruit or try to eat nothing and drink water. Im scared of the number. Im getting my computer friday or saturday.

<3 Alice

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I swear to god everyone hates me these past two weeks. I have cheerleaders and popular kids on my ass. My brother is a fucking ass hole. And my father just called me a pig. You know about my diet plan and stuff. Well today i was well under the allowed intake and thought it would be ok if i had some ice cream. So i pulled it out got a little and before i could even take one bite my father (i dont even want to call him that) says

"You going to eat all that, holy cow thats a lot, pigging out" So i threw it in the freezer and stormed off so now one could see me cry at what a fat loser i am. My mom comes in and starts asking stuff. Her reply to his comment

"He never said that" HE WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER WHEN HE SAID IT! HOW COULD SHE TAKE HIS SIDE! SHE KNOW HOW DEPRESSED IM FEELING LATELY AND SHE STICKS UP FOR HIM! Im sick of this i cant take it anymore. I cant take the words and people glaring at me and throwing stuff at me. I cant take people making fun of me.Every day im finding it harder and harder to go on. every days someone adds another rock to my back pack and a larger hill to clime. All my father dose is bring up things i should do in my life and what im doing wrong point out things that i tell him over and over i dont want to do or im not ready for yet or stuff im scared of. I dont want to start driving im scared of cars i hate them and he keeps pushing me to go out and start driving no matter how much i tell him. He keeps telling me how i need to drop a few pounds and get out and do something. Dose he not understand that to me thats calling me fat. And when i even said he was hurting my feeling he didnt apologize for it he just ignored me. I cant do it i cant live this life. What am i to do? Everything hurt my heart my head my body. I cant sleep. Im failing two classes. How do can they think that everything is all right? I feel so alone. My friends are no help. I nearly started crying in class the other day. I cant do it anymore its to hard. I feel like im just a cry baby like im so weak. Everyone thinks im amazing cause i act like i don't care what people say. In truth i do care, i care about every word, i care what people think of me, i care if people hate me or not, i care that i cant stick up for myself, i care that i cant show emotion in front of others and end up collapsing to the floor later from all the pain i have bottled up. And im getting to the breaking point. I feel like this is the only place i can let it out. And even them its not everything. There is so much more. Im falling down the rabbit hole with nothing but the knowledge of being impaled when its over.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

march 3

My brothers leaving in a few day.and i might not see him for 6 months or longer. So today when everyone was going to meet with some of the people and i wanted to go he pretty much yelled at me and said he didn't want me their. So i was left home alone crying ask what i did to make my brother hate me so much he is leaving in a couple of days and all i wanted to do what spend a little of time with him and he yelled at me for caring. I spent the rest of the day try to not cry when my family got back going over everything i can remember over the past 16 years of my life asking myself what i did wrong? what did i do to make him hate me so much? why cant he understand that he is my brother and although we fight sometimes I'm going to miss him. He is my hero. I can remember being little and playing games with him. Sitting by him on the bus on my first day of school. Him bring me stuff when i was sick for 2 month throwing up. And now he hates me...what did i do. Was it cause i was born. Has he hated me that much for 16 years?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

was doing ok untile today

today was...kind of bad ok really bad about 2000 calories bad....

Tomorrow we are fixing that.
half a peace of tost=100
2 baked potato=255

Toatal= 540

Hope that will keep me from a bing. I hope.

<3 alice

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

First day of march

So far today I have nt ate but the will most likely change when I get home like it always dose. I'll probably want some potatos or cookie. Then I have cooking and we are making cookies. Then I'll want see what a fail I am. So I'm going to suck it up and do another cooking get out of eating trick.bunch of people just came in the class room....alittle paniced....trying to make it look like I'm texting

I'll update better later

<3 Alice