Friday, April 8, 2011

falling

Well it finally happened. I had an emotional break down at school. Luckily it was at the end of the day and the only person who really saw was my some what friend Ben. He walked over tome gave me a hug and at that moment i wanted to tell him everything. In the end i only told him about the depression. Not about the harassment or the starving or the purging. Not even the cutting of the thought of suicide, the thought that scream at me plead with me. I just bottled it all back up. The only reason it happened was cause i couldn't take it anymore. People whispering, throwing things, laughing, name calling, making fun of. How everyday i lie about the smile. About the happiness and how i make it seem perfect. I wanted to fall to me knees and beg him to kill me. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to go back the next day and have it start all over again. I wanted to stay home curled up in my warm bed naked and closed in. I wanted to listen to the wind blow the leaves around and the rain fall from the sky. I wanted to hear the thunder crash and just sit there finally able to relax. I wanted to feel calm knowing i wouldn't have to go back for another week. I wanted the world to lift itself off my body from its crushing pain to let me breath. But i went back to face their deformed faces. Their demonic laughter and curled up grins. I went back to the bone chilling spin tingling cold. I could nt bring myself to tell my mother i was a loser. She thinks i have friends i have maybe 5 friends.

So came the last period of the day. And in walked the devil her slightly chubby features and smug behavior. This made me sink in my seat. I felt it boiling inside me. The lava pouring into my mind filling my body that moment when you just want to scream every loathing word of hatred at a person and spit in their face. But i just sat there scared frozen unable to move waiting for a face i could trust to walk in. When one didn't everything around me turned black and i fell down the hole to be pierced by wooden spikes. filling i split open my body and the blood drain as i sank deeper and deeper down. I couldn't even breath.

One day i want to stand up to this girl and call her a murder. She is killing me from the inside. I want to tell her that i rather be dead then face her ugly face again. I want to be able to scream at her all the pain she has caused me. I want her to feel the emotions and self loathing she has drowned me in. I want to be able to tell her that her actions will bring her to the lowest part of hell. That she will be suffering her own actions and never be able to stop it. I want to tell her and show her that i can make her life a living hell and how she will never feel peace again.

is this to dark?

<3 Alice

2 comments:

-kat. said...

the last paragraph about the girl..
this is how i've felt all week.
i hope you're feeling better soon.
xx.

Mina Belle said...

It's not dark dear sadly- that's high school. You'll get through this all really soon and college will be better afterwards. Worst 4 years of your life I promise you. but you'll make it through.