Scared

So is it sad I'm to scared to tell you guys how much i weight. Its just scary for me cause I'm not that thin. I really fat huge compared to most...well all of you. I'm fat and i know it and I'm ashamed of it. I'm so lost and so confused. I feel like I'm stuck in a downward spiral. There is nothing i can do.


You know the whole no cookies thing...i failed...and most likely will fail tomorrow. My friend made me cookies and we are making cookies in cooking. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Iv lied to much in that class and the kids in my group look at me weird cause i showed them a trick or two to getting out of eating. I'm so lost. Its not like the kids think i have and ED or something, they just look at me weird.


I just want to fast. I want to but i fail so much. It is upsetting me.

Anyways to all you readers. You are amazing and i love each and everyone of you. Keep strong even though i cant. And stay thin so one day i can be. I just have to get into the habit.

You inspire me
<3 Alice

Yepo

So today I cleaned my bathroom...yep that's it..... Damn my life is boring.

Intake

one pb&j =300
2 baked potatos=260
let say 10 cookies? =900

total 1460

damn you cookies!*shakes fist like old person yellig at kids to get off lawn*

cookies are no longer aloud in diet cause I would have been fine with out them must find new low cal way to intake suger...I'm thinking suckers.



<3 Alice

News

Those of you who are worried about my toilet it is fine i fixed it....and got a gallon of toilet water on my floor. Not my best day...


Intake

Toast=180
sandwich=500(school lunch i wasn't sure so this is a high guess im not eating school lunch anymore btw)
Orange =100
juice=145
sucker=25

950..

Im slightly happy about that i though i ate way more then that but nop.

That sandwich killed me though i think ill just have fruit or chips at lunch:)slowly im getting out of the bing....slowly but better slow then trying to go from one end to another right?

Tomorrow

Toast= 180
fruit=100
chips=200 (a guess)
potato=125
salad =95
for a total of 700. Hopefully i fallow this for a few days.

wish me luck and also im feeling much better. One side of my nose is still clogged but thats about it other then a small tickle in my lungs.

<3 Alice

P.s. my sign test went of i asked people if they would be ok with me signing them so i dont have to worry about someone being mad at me. All i have to do is watch the video and learn to block it out.

Worst thing ever

So today i come home from school and i use the bathroom like normal. Well i flush the toilet and it flushes....kind of. The water flows up and over the bowl leaving a wet mess all over my bathroom. Luckly the its just water that is overflow. sad thing i didnt even use the toilet. I say on it cause i got my period and had to take care of it. I flush the toilet out of habit. It was my brothers friend who clogged my toilet. On top of that we dont own a plunger. So now im looking up ways to unclog a toilet without a plunger and trying not to tell my parents so it dosnt turn into a big deal. I really dont want my brothers friend to be embarrassed over the whole thing. So ya


On the bright side im feeling alot better and i dont think im eating for the rest of the day.....Hope you all are having a better day then me


<3 Alice

Oh god

hI dont want to sound like a bitch and post twice but im so pissed at myself.

I take American sign language and most of the time its grate but tomorrow i have a sign test and normally im ok with it but not this time. This time he is filming it and ya it wouldn't be to bad if i didn't have to watch it in front of the whole class. A class of 30 people. That and its describing people. Whats wrong with that? I don't want to describe someone and have them flip out and get mad at me for saying something that hurt them. And they have to watch me a fat ass....how can i loss 30 pounds in fucking 12 hours...I'm crying right now i feel so pathetic. god im so stupid. I shouldn't have done all the binging and been so lax about it... I cant do it. and i have to. I only have one friend in the class to that i wont have to worry about being mad at me. God so fucking stupid..

post 101

I feel alot better:) though im still sick. Im going to school tomorrow. And i think i can go back to a diet and start working out tomorrow. Im thinking of moving the bike into my room so i can do that at night when i cant sleep.

Im eating yougert and i haven't felt that hungry today. but i ate more then i could have:P it what weird eating for no really reason. I dont really know.

Still very sick

I just sneezed about 10 time trying to type the title....and I can't get better. I had to have my dad take me home from school early it got so bad.

What I remember eatting(brain won't work well enough to remember )
half a roll sandwich : 125
chips: 150
cookies: 200
ummmm
more cookies:135
yougert:200
noodles: 400
1110? Total I'm not sure about my math...
And I sleepy most of the day so I didn't burn anything

eatting is best when your sick though and as much as I'm screaming at myself I have to get this flu out of my body befor I can work with a diet properly but I'm still planing what I eat

yougert:200
noodle:200
fruit:100
bagal:250
salad:85
835 total

<3 Alice

Sick

I'm sick. A weird kind of sick. The kind where I'm feeling more sick then I really am. Everything is really just chile but my body feels drained in everyway. I can't sleep, I can't move, All I can do is eat and I can tell iv put on weight just by looking in the mirror. From all the binging and being sick. God I feel like crap idk what I'm going to do. I don't want to put on weight I want it off!


<3alice

Movies

There is only one movie that makes me sob like a baby.... And I just watched it... Now I'm watching family guy in hopes I'll stop crying before my brother and his friend comes up from down stairs...yep I feel heart broken now...



<3 Alice

Today

Today's intake

noodles= 400
pasta=295
2 baked potato=225

Total= 920

Not as bad as i thought it would be and im rather happy with it.

Tomorrow ill most likely have just the baked potato's. for a total of 225, on in the morningish( i say "ish" cause i sleep in past noon) and one at night. Maybe walk over to my sister in laws and help her paint fairy wings. Yes you read right i paint fairy wing and i got to craft fairs and what not to sell them. The walk is about one mile in the snow....


Speaking of fairs! Their is one called the Renaissance Fair. Sure all of you have heard of it but anyways its in may. But i only have about 70 days or less before i have to get an outfit for it and every thing if i can just lose .5 pounds a day before then (35 pounds) i will most likely be the happiest person on earth. I think its setting my goals kind of high. Im scared about setting my goal high because if i dont make them i will just piss at myself more.

Calories aloud per day:350 in order to prepare for the fair

<3 Alice

STOP THE BING GOD DAMMIT!

Ok really this isn't even a shrug it off and try harder tomorrow thing. This is just bull crap now. I want to start yelling at myself. God its like iv lost all control....I really need to fix this. Im going to try for the next week just eating fruit. After that we will see. If i do good we can add veg, if not im just cutting food out completely. I'm so sick of this i just want to cry. I feel so lost. god.


If anyone wants to text me send me an email at alice.mybody.105@gmail.com

I would post it on here but i feel that it is unsafe so just give me your name and you blog and ill give you mine.

<3Alice

Feb.15,2011

Soooooo today's intake

2 pieces of toast= 325
a 1/6 of a hamburger= 89-98
(i binged when i got home)4 baked potato's= 450
Fruit
-banana
-strawberry's
-black berries
=85
one cookie= 140
Total=1089-1098

That's a lot but compared to what i was shoving in my mouth every five mins that is a lot better.

Tomorrow i will be having

1 piece of toast = 162
half of a fruit =48
a bite of what i make in foods class=25(might not make anything)
One! baked potato =125
salad=95
Total=430- 455
hope it will be much better then today and turn out how i plan

I have a bunch of fucking English homework to do and a project that is due on Friday and my partner and i aren't even halfway done. Right now im going to worry about the English cause im pretty much failing that....*sad face*. If i can get that up to a B my grades will be improved...hopefully. I am praying nothing jumps out at me.

Ill update more tomorrow cause i got to print off something for English take a shower and then do some of the stuff for English before heading to bed. Last night was a late nighter to from homework. Man schools a bitch if you fall behind.


<3 Alice ( wish me luck on getting out of the bing crap)

sooo

Soon i will be getting my own computer. This is so helpful cause then all i have to do it set a password to it and i can stay signed into blogger and have a bunch of thinspo with no worries. The down side? my brothers leave to train to be an EOD......I will miss him dearly. But my brother has always been in perfect shape so next time i see him i want him to look at me and be to proud of me for being thin. Another thing? Binging is a hard habit to break you do it once and you whole life is in the crapper. Anyone got pointers on how to get out of this so i can start repairing myself for a fast that will last. Another thing is my cousin( complete bitch btw) sees me once a month every month for dinner with my grandfather. In one month i want to lose 20-25 pounds or more if i could. This can only happen with a fast. Why doing this and what dose it have to do with my cousin? Well my cousin (like me) is on the chubby side and wants to lose weight but no matter how hard she tries she cant. I was just think of how good it would feel to so called "rub it in her face" that im getting thinner and she is not. Is the mean? most likely....I'v been really mean lately.....is that bad?
But this would be pay back for all the Crap she has said and done to me that its kind of like evening everything out....

Reasons to be thin (in my mind)
-To be beautiful
-To get(hopefully) a better image about myself
-To finally get people to look at me and not see something other then a fat chick
-To sit next to someone in school and have them know who i am. Ok this happened today, the teacher was showing my paper to the call and said "This is Brittney's(my real name) paper." about 10 people in the class said flat out "Who's Brittney?" 3 of them sit next to me....i find this sad.
-maybe find someone to love?
- Make everyone see that im worth something
- To show everyone who said i cant do it or ever made fun of me for being fat that im not and they can shut their face
-Piss off my cousin and one or two other persons.
-To finally feel loved by others
- and a bunch of other i dont feel like nameing....mainly pass events and stuff.


<3 Alice (i will still be signing with alice just cause i feel like it something that become apart of me but my name is brittney and if you dont like it thats fine just call me alice.)

Things go better when i plan then out.

Tomorrow morning: Half a serving of juice mixed with water= 50

Afternoon: Water= 0

After school: diet soda= 0

Dinner: Half a serving of juice mixed with water...again =50

Total= 100

Thinking of going for a walk....might not....my nephews coming over so that's the only thing holding me back.

I might have time for a short one. Just 30 mins at the most... that's about a 100 calories burned normally for me. Right now i just want to make sure i don't eat what i cant burn off. I don't really feel like eating right now anyways...i feel more like throwing up.

New fast?

So right now I'm doing homework trying to stay up as late as I can to sleep all day tomrrow and fast. I really want to love some weight before v-day. I don't know why it's not like I get anything or any guy in ther right mind could love me. So today I over heard some kids talking about how fat someone was. Now they never said a name that I could head but my brain jumped right to "their talking about me" so it was weird to find it as the push I needed to finally move forword with a full on fast and not eatting for more then two days . The third day always gets me it's when I need the most help cause I start to panic and flip out thinking someone knows. Kind of like when my fathher saw me throw food away. Sent panic and I started eatting again. Weird I just need to calm down. Anyways night my phone is dieing.



<3 Alice

god

my parents are on my as lately its really annoying and i know that it is not the fast thing cause thats been really well hidden so im just doing a fruit fast.


Rules:

Only eat once a day when mother can see.

Only fruits (dur)

Fruits allowed

-Apples
-Blackberries(love these)
-Oranges
-Raspberries
-Strawberries

Also it said that these fruits have negative calories. Better hope soo:P

<3 alice

Slightly worried

So when I was going out to throw the food I "ate" away my dad was still there and I got worried he saw me. So I actted like I threw something away and ran back inside. When I was sure he was gone I took papers and threw them away. Then I took the food and ran down stairs to throw it in a garbage can down there. Why throw the papers away? So if he did see and I'm asked about it I can say it was papers and if they dot believe me go look. No food just papers. Good for on the spot if you ask me... Anyways this is day two of my re-fast so far so good but I normally get an urge to bing around 6 so got to nap through that.



<3 Alice

Note

Has anyone heard the song Fuckin' perfect by pink...? Love that song

3:15 after school news

Yep you read right. It is after school:P I missed my lunch drink (arnt aloud drinks in class rooms) so I came home and had some juice and cause I had this really strong craving for coco I did and found out it only had 80 calories in so I feel less guilty. Right now I'm drinking juice and watching An American Haunting. My nephew is coming over soon so I might see if I can go on a walk with him to the store get him some candy and maybe gum for me. Oh and if you might be asking "why she drink juice" it's cause I had a bing fest and had to restarted my fast. Yep sucked so trying again. So gum and candy, I'm thinking of buying a bunch of gum cause everyone always asks me for gum and I run out cause I can't say no. Ummm thinking of tea latter or something for dinner. Going to run soon. Running make me feel less hungry so it should be a good idea then I'll shower get ready for bed and do alittle reading before I sleep.

Ok so there were these firemen at our school today. One of them was a really hottie. You should have seen the girl swon and him it was so funny.

Also any questions about me or who I am? Cause I don't think you know all that much. So I'm just going to list a few you don't have to read any of it though

One: I love horror and blood and death just anything creepy really I love it. Weird I know...

Two: I love all music piano, rap, punk, scremo,classical all of it. And for one of the bloggers I read. I love MCR and would totally do him to.

Three: I'm an anime geek love anime so much that it's scary.

Four: I think the teacher from An Amrican Haunting is sexy...

Five: I hate being around people. Like I can stand one person but put me in a crowed and I'll stand there praying that no one touches me.


There five facts anything eles let me know :)

<3 Alice