I'm so tired

It's not the i just need a long nights sleep im tired of everything. I'm tired of trying, tired of lieing, tired of not being myself. Even when i try to sleep i find it hard to breath (not cause im so futher mucking fat). I feel it all the time this heaviness the is in every finger, toe , hair of my body. I could be lighter then air and still feel so heavy.

Then comes my father who never helps. Like im never good enough. I could be number one the best of the best to ever live cure cancer, aids, and anything else bring world peace travel the galaxy bring him a star home in my pocket and he would still tell me i could do better. Everyone sticks up for him to EVEN THE FLIPPING TEACHER!!!!"oh he only wants the best for you. You'll understand when your older." I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE NOW LADY!!!!! I'M THE CHILD HER NEVER FLIPPING WANTED!!!!! He has another daughter from his other marriage. With a woman who cheated on him with every man she could get her hands on. SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HIS!!! and he loves her more. I hate the teacher for saying that. I wanted to yell at her for telling me that I don't know my home life. She wouldn't even listen to me as i tried to tell her. She would open her flipping mouth when i did and then just change the subject. IM BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED LADY AND YOU ARNT LISTENING TO ME!!!! Why arnt you helping me. Nobody listens to me. I flat out told my friends I was/am planning to kill myself. I have it all planned out every single thing. Did they listen? Nop, just went on talking about some bull shit thing. Im honestly starting to think no one would care if i died. If i just didnt wake up in the morning...call the ambulance to take my body away tell them to do what ever with it and go on with heir happy lives. Nobody would care. It would just be so much easier for everyone if i just...diapered.


ALice

bad Day again

A kid at my school killed him self. Not really sure if i feel like telling you guys but its making me upset and i view you as friends. I didnt even know the kid and i keep getting panic attacks and start to cry.

Wana know a secret....I wish i was the one who killed them self.....not him. Maybe he would have changed his mind? But i dont know why he did it so i might not have made a difference. Then i think that if i knew could i have helped him....Could have knowing him simply have changed it.

So i was going to fast but when i found out i kind of said screw it and didnt really think the rest of the day other then about that.


sorry

<3 Alice

Ok

So i gained a pound. Why? cause we had pizza and thats all i ate over the weekend and i just sat aoud. I should have gained more but what ever i got lucky.

I did my Sit ups for the night. and i got some new rules for me.

Rules:

1) Not eatting after 6
2)No candy
3) Must at least bike ride around the graveyard everyday.
4)Weight every three days (its starting to become a habit)
5)Onely water and diet drinks (or drinks with no calories)
6) no fast food/junk food


Thats all i can think of so we will find out later if i add more on.

Anyways later


<3 alice

Body

Hight:5'6 1/2

Weight:176

Hair: Blond

Eyes: green

Shoe size: 8

Dress size: i don't know i don't where dresses

Anything eles?

Bad day tomorrow better

Today was family night and i normally eat a lot soooo. I did a little work out but nothing that could make me loss weight tomorrow though I'm doing that three hours of biking :D

I'm going to try fasting on the weekends or every other day. Not sure yet. I am most likely cutting my calories to 650. So when i do 3 hours od biking everyday (sometimes more) ill be burning over 700 calories:D. Hopefully ill be able to get it up to 1000 by the summer. I dont know:P maybe ill just cut down the calories?

So my first goal weight is 170
Second 160
third 155....


Ill just put it up in the side bar thing

<3 Alice

???

Weight 177.0?

Yesterday i was 179.0

How did i loss 2 pounds in one day? Water weight maybe?

Anyways i ate around 800-900 calories today and burned about 100 calories so not to well.

Did you know that you can live off milk? I found that out a couple days ago I'm tempted to try fasting with just milk and water now. I don't think ill make it till i cut out more calories so we will see.

Tomorrow i want to try to stay under 700 calories. I think i can do it. Then I'm going to bring the stationary bike into my room and watch a movie or two(or three) wall riding it. One hour burns about 250 calories. total of 750 for three hours:) so i think I'm going to do 3 movies. I'm also going to start doing sit ups every morning and night. start off slow with 30 and every week ill add ten more on. If that 177 is true then at the end of next week i will be in the 160s most likely.

Wish me luck of my Biology test!i always fail:(

<3 Alice

today

179.0

Intake:

Morning:

Breakfast burrito=250

Afternoon:

Cereal=300?

Dinner:

burger without meat=280

Snack:

Cotton candy=80

Total=910

Today ,compared to normal days lately, i have ate a lot.

Burned=350

so really it was 610:D


<3 Alice

lost

I cant remember the last time i told you guys iv lost weight and I'm going to post it on here the ugly huge fucking numbers. Sorry for the language.

So i started out(after all the binging and weight gain)at 181.6......hug i know I'm sorry

I'm now 179.2....better but not by a lot

This is all from changing my diet i haven't really worked out that much lately but after seeing the numbers drop i think I'm going to start doing it a lot more.

Yep hope to be around 174 in the next week or two. Hopefully by the start of may ill be about 165 that way when i see my cousin and know that she had most likely gained weight i have lost. Funny if it goss on her. Show her whos better. She ALWAYS thinks she is better then me always! so it would be nice to be better then her weight wise.

And I'm doing better in school. The bitch chick who keeps messing with me hasn't stopped but my grades are really good. I'm thinking of having my teacher change my seat but hey i want to see her face when at the end of the term I'm thinner then her cause she is on the thick side herself. i don't know if i can get in the 150s before school ends but if i did i think i would kiss...idk...Ben(male friend SOOOOOOOO TALL!) who i call dad but none the less.

Ben was my friend who held me during my emotional break down too so i think he is a keeper(friend wise). He has been rather nicer to me to now that he knows how depressed i am. I think its his way of trying to make me feel better. What would make me feel better i punching that Bitch in the face until her nose falls off!


<3Alice

falling

Well it finally happened. I had an emotional break down at school. Luckily it was at the end of the day and the only person who really saw was my some what friend Ben. He walked over tome gave me a hug and at that moment i wanted to tell him everything. In the end i only told him about the depression. Not about the harassment or the starving or the purging. Not even the cutting of the thought of suicide, the thought that scream at me plead with me. I just bottled it all back up. The only reason it happened was cause i couldn't take it anymore. People whispering, throwing things, laughing, name calling, making fun of. How everyday i lie about the smile. About the happiness and how i make it seem perfect. I wanted to fall to me knees and beg him to kill me. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to go back the next day and have it start all over again. I wanted to stay home curled up in my warm bed naked and closed in. I wanted to listen to the wind blow the leaves around and the rain fall from the sky. I wanted to hear the thunder crash and just sit there finally able to relax. I wanted to feel calm knowing i wouldn't have to go back for another week. I wanted the world to lift itself off my body from its crushing pain to let me breath. But i went back to face their deformed faces. Their demonic laughter and curled up grins. I went back to the bone chilling spin tingling cold. I could nt bring myself to tell my mother i was a loser. She thinks i have friends i have maybe 5 friends.

So came the last period of the day. And in walked the devil her slightly chubby features and smug behavior. This made me sink in my seat. I felt it boiling inside me. The lava pouring into my mind filling my body that moment when you just want to scream every loathing word of hatred at a person and spit in their face. But i just sat there scared frozen unable to move waiting for a face i could trust to walk in. When one didn't everything around me turned black and i fell down the hole to be pierced by wooden spikes. filling i split open my body and the blood drain as i sank deeper and deeper down. I couldn't even breath.

One day i want to stand up to this girl and call her a murder. She is killing me from the inside. I want to tell her that i rather be dead then face her ugly face again. I want to be able to scream at her all the pain she has caused me. I want her to feel the emotions and self loathing she has drowned me in. I want to be able to tell her that her actions will bring her to the lowest part of hell. That she will be suffering her own actions and never be able to stop it. I want to tell her and show her that i can make her life a living hell and how she will never feel peace again.

is this to dark?

<3 Alice

Reply to Ew

I would love to cant wait to speak with you again!:D

V-day four

Still going strong. I got school tomorrow and don't want to go. But i have spring brake coming up and its a short week so that's a plus side. I'm going to start running again. Kind of stopped for a little not sure how long though. But I'm going at it again starting of slow with one mile then every week pumping it up by .5 of a mile.

So I used to have a friend we will call her M. Growing up we would always hang out being crazy and having fun. some time ago (six or seven years) she told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I was heart broken she was my only friend. I tried everything to get her back. Gave her notes say im sorry changing myself. Anything until the point i gave up. So along came middle school and i was so happy i thought i would never have to see her again. Nope i was wrong. She has been in at least one of my classes every year from then on. I see her in the hall at lunch walking down the street anything and everywhere. So the other day in food the teacher put her in our group cause we were one short. At some points it felt like old times laughing and doing random things. Making a sand castle out of my failed gravy attempt. I kind of felt happy for once. Come the end of the class though she went back to her friends. I felt down again. I thought we might be come friends again. Was i hoping for to much? Then the other day i heard the song "when she loved me" from toy story....ya it sucked. Cause its like everything that has gone on with our relation ship. I feel lost sometimes. Cause iv never been able to find someone who i could be so close with like i could with her. idk

<3Alice

V-day two

Today was amazing im doing so well on this. Better then any diet i have ever been on! Its amazing. This feels amazing!

Ok so today i woke up like i do every morning and did my morning goodness stuff. When i went up stairs my mother was in the kitchen she said me made me breakfast. A breakfast burrito. My reply?

"Whats in it?"

Mom:"eggs, cheese sausage-"

Me:" i can't eat it"

mom:"why not"

As this point it clicked in her head and she said whatever in a pissed off voice a stormed off to her room slamming that door behind her.This is her " im pissed of cause i didnt get my way or no one did what i wanted them to, ect" drama. I walked in and grabbed some socks then walked out. Went to school bla bla bla. Then came home. She said she loved me and had calmed down. Then she told me that we are going to eat out for my brother birth day(not the one that left i have two brothers)and that i could get the salad bar they had and what not. So she understood near the end but i wanted to yell at her for the bitchiness she did that morning buti rather not start something.